| Build Positive Reactions from | | | | Here's an even clearer example of the effect that |
| Others (805 wds) | | | | words can have on a relationship: |
| | | | Before: "Henry, you've been 15 minutes late for |
| Q. Many of my co-workers seem bored, distant, | | | | the last three mornings." |
| or even alienated. I often react by mirroring their | | | | Better: "Henry, the fine work you do is really |
| behavior, but I don't like being that way. How can | | | | important to us. I notice you'vebeen coming in at |
| I get people to react more positively to me | | | | about 8:15 the last three mornings. That's not like |
| throughout the day? —Hank V. | | | | you. Is there anything bothering you, or |
| | | | | something I can help with?" (IfHenry saysNo, then |
| A. The key words are "react more positively to | | | | say, "We need you here at least by 8 a.m. to |
| me…" You're not likely to change how people | | | | answer customer questions. Can we count on |
| feel about themselves. If they're bored or | | | | you?" |
| uncaring, that's how they've defined themselves. | | | | (If you'd like a list of 100 positive words you can |
| But you can have a surprising impact on how | | | | use daily, just e-mail me.) Practice Positive |
| they treat you. The principle is simple: You usually | | | | Messages |
| get back what you give out. So if you don't like | | | | Here's a great way to test this principle, and get |
| the way you're reacting to people throughout the | | | | even more dramatic results. Tomorrow,with the |
| day, you can decide to change your behaviors. To | | | | first ten people you meet, deliberately smile and |
| put it another way, if you want more positive | | | | greet them with a pleasant message. Try it in |
| reactions from other people, you have to make | | | | fast-food outlets and supermarkets—places |
| your original action positive: give a big smile; say | | | | where the clerks are notorious for being either |
| (and mean it) something like "Hi—how are you | | | | impersonal or unfriendly. (I've tried this several |
| doing?" | | | | times, and it works. I felt great afterwards, too. |
| Watch the Signals | | | | One day I tried it and was surprised when the |
| It's natural to think, "Wait a minute—why do I | | | | servers from two fast-food restaurants asked |
| have to set the tone?" We have to take the | | | | me if I'd like a refill on my coffee!) |
| initiative because most people already have | | | | |
| defined their life patterns, and aren't likely to | | | | Retail clerks often hear more complaints and are |
| change them. So if you want a specific 30-second | | | | subject to more unfriendly—sometimes even |
| personal interaction to be upbeat, you have to | | | | arrogant—behavior than most people. When |
| create the environment where you get the | | | | customers are unhappy, angry, or frustrated in |
| reaction you want. Watch people's faces. Those | | | | their work lives, they bring it to the grocery or |
| who are really happy, joyful, and contented | | | | department store. It's no wonder retail clerks lose |
| usually show it. (So do those who feel negative | | | | their freshness and eagerness at dealing with |
| about themselves and others; their faces give | | | | customers. Your positive greeting can be a |
| them away.) Words That Ruin Build a positive | | | | welcome bright spot to them, and they'll return |
| foundation for your behavior, and you'll influence | | | | the favor. Back to the principle: We get back |
| how people react to you. In your personal | | | | what we give out. So if you want a positive |
| interactions, try to express your wishes using | | | | interaction with someone for the next few |
| positive words—even when you have to give | | | | seconds, project the tone you want. Go ahead. |
| negative messages. For example, here are some | | | | Have fun and enjoy the next person you greet. |
| negative words and phrases to avoid. They just | | | | |
| naturally seem to irritate people, and are almost | | | | Use the same principle with your co-workers. |
| guaranteed to damagerelationships: fault, demand, | | | | Take the initiative to greet them and set a |
| inconsiderate, but, disaster, stupid, careless, failed, | | | | positive tone: |
| wrong. Example: "The project was a failure." "This | | | | • "Hey, Jack—how ya doin' today?" |
| is a careless report." Words That Build | | | | • "Good morning!" Isn't it great we've got |
| Instead, choose positive words and phrases that | | | | some sunshine today?" |
| build people up—build their self-esteem. Use | | | | • "Hi Betty! How was your weekend?" |
| positive-sounding words especially when you have | | | | • "Hey Bob—what's your boy doing in Cub |
| to give instructions or express your dislike for | | | | Scouts these days? You werepretty proud the |
| someone's behavior: appreciate, dependable, | | | | way you and he built the car for the Pinewood |
| helpful, capable, efficient, thorough, careful, | | | | Derby!" |
| integrity, valuable. Example: "This | | | | • "Let's start this meeting off on an upbeat |
| report was helpful; it would be even better if you | | | | note. How about each of usmentioning one |
| added an index." | | | | success we've had on any of the projects |
| | | | | we'reworking on? |