| One of the heaviest burdens of an eating disorder | | | | pain and fear-how I fall for anxiety and other lies |
| is loneliness. Isolation is your reality. It is also a | | | | that don't serve me. I fall again and again. I report |
| fiction created by the disorder to insulate itself. | | | | again and again. |
| The disease keeps you in danger by keeping itself | | | | I let these women see the ragged, jagged me. |
| safe from the relief of companionship. | | | | We laugh at the absurdities. I accept their hugs. |
| The truth is that the loneliest place on the planet | | | | Airing my "secrets" keeps me out of the food. It |
| has more inhabitants than New York City. There | | | | seems to be true that "We are only as sick as |
| are 11 million people, women and men, in the | | | | our secrets." |
| United States with eating disorders. Millions more | | | | What happened in the two-plus decades between |
| suffer with "subthreshold" disordered eating that is | | | | "before" and "after?" A month after ignoring the |
| dangerous and secretive. I am one of these | | | | first invitation, I slunk into that support group at |
| millions. | | | | the eating disorder clinic. I surprised myself by |
| In 1986 I dared to enter an eating disorder clinic | | | | joining in a cross-country ski weekend with them. |
| for my compulsive binges. Before I crossed that | | | | It was even fun. I stepped into the next support |
| threshold, I had never uttered a word about the | | | | group offered. I made friends whom I began to |
| cravings that controlled me. A counselor I came | | | | see outside of group meetings. We were hungry |
| to trust invited me into a support group. "I can't," | | | | for each other. |
| I said. "I'd be too ashamed to talk about this with | | | | I kept in touch and I kept honest and I kept my |
| anyone else." Hindsight shows me the thickness of | | | | food clean. |
| my facade, the importance to my disease of | | | | In eating disorder recovery circles, then in |
| keeping the cover pretty and tidy, and how vast | | | | creative writing workshops, journal therapy |
| the space was between my experience and my | | | | groups, and spiritual sangha, I kept opening my |
| appearance. | | | | mouth. |
| I didn't believe there was anyone worthwhile (or | | | | I keep myself with people whose honestly-and |
| maybe anyone at all) underneath my thick mask. | | | | open doors to their own wobbles-inspire my trust |
| Zoom ahead roughly 25 years of slippery but | | | | and my truth. The crutch of food is replaced with |
| strong recovery. Life has slam-dunked my year: | | | | what my loneliness always really wanted: a place |
| death and cancer in my family along with three | | | | where I wholly belong. |
| major shifts in my work. Toss in menopausal | | | | Kindred spirits are not the only element of |
| hormonal jabs-and insomnia. The stones that hold | | | | recovery. It's said that "You have to do it |
| my recovery have begun to avalanche. Meditation | | | | yourself, but you don't have to do it alone." There |
| practice, confidence, my ability to re-focus | | | | is much work to be done-work that demands |
| automatic negative thinking-these crashed in | | | | support. |
| overloaded days revving up my lifelong anxiety. I | | | | There's not always a person handy. I also have |
| stand on the edge of depression familiar from the | | | | books. Blank books I fill with my daily experience |
| old days. | | | | unveiled. Books I read about others' recoveries |
| My weight is stable. My diet remains healthy. I am | | | | (and now, women managing through midlife). |
| still binge-free. | | | | Reading and writing help me be honest and |
| I know why. Every Monday afternoon I sit in a | | | | open-and feel connected both to myself and to |
| circle of a dozen women in long-term recovery | | | | others who write nakedly. |
| from dysfunctional eating. We've met for two | | | | I had thought recovery would be diet, nutrition, |
| years and are planning our third year together. | | | | and weight management. But the "fringe benefit" |
| Many Mondays the disease tells me I'm too busy | | | | at the core of recovery is trading isolation and |
| or tired to show up. I let my recovery take the | | | | secrecy for community and intimacy. |
| wheel for the half-hour drive. My ego urges me to | | | | Don't stay in the loneliest place on the planet. I |
| share the successes the outside world sees. And | | | | remember the days of closed drapes and |
| sometimes I do. Then I cry, admitting with | | | | unplugged phone. Find one safe person. Tell that |
| humility and horror my insanity and inability, my | | | | person something true about yourself. Repeat. |